Saying No

When I pack for a backpacking trip, I’m pretty darned good at saying ‘No’.  To head out with a sub-5 lb. base weight, a lot of ‘No’ is required.  And the light weight gained by saying ‘No’ so many times means I can then say ‘Yes’ to traveling more miles, bagging a peak, having a conversation on the trail, seeing more wilderness, and having less pain.

In the rest of my life, I’m not so good at saying ‘No’.  For many years, while working long hours as an engineer and running Gossamer Gear on nights and weekends, I would swing between two extremes.  I would say ‘Yes’ to things I wanted to do, that excited me, that would make me grow in an area I wanted to improve in, or would give back to a community I cared about.  Then, even though the long hours made me ruthlessly efficient, it would get to the point where it was overwhelming, and then I would start saying ‘No’.  I would say ‘No’ to EVERYTHING, no matter how compelling, how valuable.  

After a while, the load would become manageable again, and I would add something that was particularly exciting.  Then I would say ‘Yes’ to something else.  And the pattern would repeat itself.

I was guilty of scheduling every minute of the day, trying to eke out the most of every opportunity.  But in doing so, there were many areas that got short thrift.  As they say, “Mistakes were made.”

The issues I had/have include:

1. The need to be productive.  I feel like I need to fill my days with activities, to add value to those around me and to feel good about myself.
2. Overestimating synchronicity.  I think items that are related to something I’m already doing won’t take that much additional time or effort, in spite of ample historical evidence to the contrary.
3. Failing to create margin of time and energy.  Similarly to investing, if an opportunity comes up but you don’t have cash to invest, then you miss out on that opportunity.  When I am over-committed, something may come up that is an amazing opportunity that uses my unique talents, but I can’t do it because I’m already [over]committed to other things.
4. Placing too much importance on pleasing people.  When I worry about hurting someone’s feelings, I find it hard to say ‘No’, and I send up saying ‘Yes’ when I really should be saying ‘No’.  Sure, there are some obligations we choose to subscribe to; seeing that relative we really don’t like, going to the dentist, etc.  But many times I say ‘Yes’ just because I don’t want to face saying ‘No’.
5. Not assigning a proper value to time, thinking it’s ‘free’.

Particularly in this holiday season, it seems like there are a million opportunities to be busy, to be too busy.  While minimalism usually focuses on our ‘stuff’, our time and energy is probably a better application for our attention.  Marie Kondo encourages us to discard possessions that don’t ‘spark joy’ for us… how much more should we apply this with our commitments?  Greg McKeown’s book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, which I read once a year, argues that the only way to prioritize what is truly essential for us is to say ‘No’ to almost everything.  And of course Derek Sivers argues that when considering a new commitment, it needs to be “Either ‘HELL YEAH!’ or ‘No’”.

So as we finish out 2024, let 2025 be the year we all say ‘No’ more often, so we can say ‘HELL YEAH’ to things that really matter!