I try to pay attention when the same thing ends up appearing in my life multiple times. About a week ago now, I read an article, don’t remember where, some outdoors-related organization. It was the editor, as I recall, talking about running up a hill with her kids in a jogger stroller. Another runner going the other way noticed her, gave her a thumbs up and said “Impressive.” The writer went on to say, at least as I remember, about how it had been a rough or busy week, and it had been hard to get out for a run, and it felt good for someone else to notice and give her some recognition, to “see” her.
Then there’s been the drumbeat of seemingly daily shootings. I haven’t read a ton on them, and haven’t watched any videos. There seem to be lots of reasons contributing to the shootings, but one of them seems to be mental health, and how social media impacts that, and how people can become isolated, without anyone “seeing” them in real life.
And then, when we were walking along the river with friends in Coeur d’Alene, I failed. I was in a discussion with Todd, and a woman crossed the street and joined the path walking in the other direction. She looked distraught to me, from the expression on her face. And maybe she was just at the end of a long workout, or preoccupied with something, or squinting into the sun, or maybe that’s just the way her face looks. But to my impression was that she could be about to cry, or wanting to.
And I walked on. Todd and I were in the middle of a good discussion, and in a millisecond I thought I was likely overreacting, and the moment passed. I probably missed an opportunity to let someone know they were “seen”, at a time when they perhaps needed to hear that. In Bryce Courtenay’s book The Power of One, he references the Zulu greeting of Sawubona. While literally translated as “I see you”, it carries significance far beyond its literal meaning. In Zulu culture, the greeting acknowledges the other’s presence and value, their humanity. It conveys acceptance and respect. We could all use a little more of that.
There was an earlier time when I did NOT miss the opportunity. Years ago, when I worked at the City of Carlsbad, a resident came to the counter. He was distraught and angry, so the counter staff came to get me. I’ve always felt that good leaders should ‘run towards the gunfire’ (so to speak, although a loaded expression these days I guess), not hide out in their offices. I came up and took the gentleman outside so we could talk without his voice disturbing other customers and staff. I don’t recall now what the issue was, maybe something about street lights, maybe cell towers on street lights… that part is hazy. I listened to him, let him vent his concerns without getting upset. I showed him I cared about his concerns.
On the way home that day after work, I decided to take the long way, and go by this guy’s house downtown to check out the situation in person. I parked, and walked the sidewalk, looking at the power poles or street lights or whatever the issue was. The resident came out, now my friend, and was surprised and appreciative that I had taken the time, my own time, to come visit the site and check it out. We were chatting, and one of the resident’s neighbors came up. He introduced me to the neighbor, and said “This guy kept me out of jail today, I was going to do something terrible.”
All I had done was talk to the guy, hear his concerns, and get involved in his situation. It turns out there were some other things going on in his life, but for once, someone calmly listened to him, and “saw” him. Now I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t talked to him, if he had stormed off from the city and come home to his weapons, but it could have been something on the evening news.
I speak a lot about building margin into our lives, so we have the time and energy to “see” those around us. This was a reminder that I need to do a better job of implementing my own margin, and not just noticing those around me, but acting on what I notice.
